You can bow and bend, but don't let yourself break.
Feeling stuck in life? Not in the place you want to be? This happens to all of us.
Though stories and films portray happy endings, we know real life isn't perfect. And no matter how heavy some experiences and situations may feel, we must remember we are still growing through the tough times we encounter.
"Bad experiences are no mistake in the matrix, they belong to life," says psychologist Rene Traeder. "The question is how well we deal with them."
When life hands us crises, we can use the training we gain when facing difficult situations, and use that training as a preventative tool for the future. This creates resilience, a necessary tool for dealing with problems.
Below is a list of eight Resilience Builders necessary for our mental self-care.
1. Taking Responsibility.
Step out of your role as a victim. Look at yourself from another viewpoint, seeing your life as a sort of builder. Are you taking steps every day to move forward and change your situation? Pat yourself on the back for the work you're doing for yourself and toward bettering your future.
One question you can repeatedly ask yourself is, "Do I want this?" If the answer is no, move toward a solution. You must do this on your own, because there is no one else on the planet who knows your needs as well as you do.
2. Acceptance
The famous quote by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr adds another building block to your self-improvement and goal mastery: "Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can change; and wisdom to know the difference."
This part of the Serenity Prayer moves us in three ways:
a) by accepting situations we can do nothing about, we may learn to overcome them. We don't have to let problems ruin our outlook on life. How we react to anything is always up to us. (Book recommendation: Man's Search for Meaning, by Victor Frankl)
b) by being brave, not giving up, and keeping our eyes on the prize, we can change our lives. It doesn't happen overnight! Have patience, but move forward by accomplishing tasks toward your goals every single day, even if they're small steps. (Book recommendation: The Slight Edge, by Jeff Olson)
c) by examining the disturbing events or "traps" in our lives that upset or hinder us, we can seek out the differences we want. Having wisdom also means having patience - the patience to take a good look at what is going on and make a sensible evaluation of circumstances. How can you "fix" the problem(s)? What steps should you take? Calmly focus on one thing at a time.
3. Preparing for a Better Future You
Why is something important to me? Why do I handle things the way I do? Why do I want what I want for my life? When a person knows their "why," they can more easily build on the future what, how and who.
For example, who are you changing for? yourself? your partner? your family?
Again, YOU are the only person that knows what is best for YOU. Remember, we can't make anyone else happy until we make ourselves happy.
One way to step out of a miserable mood and divert those negative thoughts is by taking a walk. Get out and enjoy nature. Try some forest therapy!
Another? Laughing with a good friend.
One more is to count your blessings and make a list of things for which you're grateful today. (Book recommendation: The Ultimate Happiness Prescription: 7 Keys to Joy and Enlightenment , by Deepak Chopra)
4. Problem-Solving
When we accept problems as challenges instead of obstacles, we will be more likely to tackle them. It is not necessary to solve the problem, but rather "solve" ourselves by removing what is problematic in our minds.
Logic and forethought as well as patience often bring us the solutions we need. Sleep on it. Pray about it. Talk to someone you respect about whatever it is you'd like to overcome. Sometimes the answers are right in front of us, but they take time to present themselves.
“The problems we face today eventually turn into blessings in the rearview mirror of life. Yesterday's red light leads us to a green light today.“ - Matthew McConaughey in his book, Greenlights
5. Positive Influences
Resilient people have a stable network of friendships and relationships they can rely upon in tough circumstances. Get in touch with someone in your circle that can offer you good advice. Remember to give and take, being there for others when they need help overcoming problems. And thank them for what they do to help!
6. Optimism
When we're dead-set on being angry or sad about a situation, it is hard to release the negativity. However, if we can approach every day and every challenge - even the most dire - with a solid dose of optimism, the odds are already stacked in our favor. Seeing the good, being thankful for what we have, and slapping a smile on our faces helps us get through. When encountering difficult customers or people in general, a former boss always said, "Just smile and nod." You don't have to say a word to counterbalance actions. The optimism tool is vital for keeping us going when we're feeling trapped, and like all the others, doesn't cost a thing.
7. Self-Efficacy
When is the last time you complimented yourself for a job well done? Have you looked back upon all you've accomplished until now? Acknowledge all the miracles you've performed in your life, especially through rougher patches. What amazing things have you already achieved?
Say to yourself, "I know my competencies and I believe that I can bring about changes." Self-efficacy and independence are qualities we can learn to develop in childhood and carry on through our adult lives. Look at your successes, use those as examples for future progress, and force yourself to leave your comfort zone. You're capable!
8. Rest and Relaxation Equal Recovery
The stress we put ourselves under when facing difficult times in our lives makes us - literally - sick. Learn to take breaks, vacations, rests, and pauses. Balance your progress and work with enjoyment and peace, finding those things wherever and whenever you can. Get plenty of sleep and don't sweat the small stuff, because like they say, it's all small stuff.
Breathe deeply and remember to smile. You're doing just fine. Remember this, too: you're not alone.
My personal reasons for writing this post? I've been in a place I consciously brought myself to in order to hide out, save money, accomplish new goals and "get ahead." Before I arrived, I knew this location is not where I want to end up, but I'm here for a few months more. Some days that seems unbearable.
What's so bad about it? Nothing, really. It's just not where I belong.
I'm living in a mountain retreat disguised as a refurbished trailer. Though my home is on top of a hill overlooking treetops and I've done lots to landscape and beautify outside, the outward appearance of my temporary housing makes me feel a bit like trailer trash. I think to myself, 'Is this how far I've come?'
Between having a "real job" in a place I'd rather be and building my own businesses - those I can take with me anywhere I travel to - I have little idea regarding where I'm going to next, though I'm working on possibilities.
Knowing I'm living through a transition right now, like so many other times in my life, I am learning to deal with negative thoughts. They're hard on the spirit. Everyday monotony and the struggle to find my way try to beat me down. Though I see the advances I've made, it's tough knowing I'm not exactly where I want to be. But I'll get there... and the more positivity I force into my mind, the better it all feels. All it takes is a quick switch and recentering of my thoughts.
Writing this post is as much for me as for anyone else who struggles with thoughts about where they are versus where they should be.
Source: Alverde magazine, July 2022
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