Do you find yourself becoming more and more selective about who you spend your time with?
Are there evenings you'd prefer being at home alone with a glass of wine and your newest book - or a bowl of popcorn and a great film - rather than attending a social gathering with good friends?
Is it less trouble to make plans for yourself than to involve others?
Is your own company your favorite?
Like many of us aging gracefully, I don't mind spending time alone. In fact, it has become more enjoyable the older I get.
No longer do I feel the guilt of saying no to a drink (that often turns into several) with friends, or declining to attend the party of someone I don't know very well. Invitations to a concert with an acquaintance or a night out on the town garner little deliberation most of the time. For me, an evening of quality conversation, stimulating reading, or restful calm followed by a complete night's sleep (and feeling good tomorrow so I can be my most productive) are priorities.
Further, in the absence of a quality partner currently at my side, my dog has become my favorite companion. There's no drama and no debate, because my best friend can't talk (he doesn't enjoy big crowds either).
You may laugh, but if you prefer time alone to that in a group of people, your intelligence - and your age - are showing.
Sure, I remain close with family and friends - most of which are far away - and people I've come to trust, but it's more of a challenge these days being a social "free spirit." I don't mind being alone, and for the most part, I'm not lonely. My friendships are genuine, and I get in touch with those I love when I can, via mail, telephone, text, social media, or gifts sent from the heart.
Many older people I know live the same type of life, making better choices. Due to health, reduced activity levels, and the simple fact that we lose important people in our lives due to retirement, moves, life transitions or other factors, many of us are less likely than our younger selves to engage in regular social interaction.
This isn't necessarily a bad thing. The older and more intelligent we get, the more choosy we (are allowed to) become. After all, with the wisdom we've gleaned in our years on the planet, we've (hopefully) become better judges of character and circumstances.
Experts agree. It is true that older folks have fewer friends and waning social relationships due to people passing and others moving away. However, Stanford psychology professor and longevity authority Laura Carstensen has found in advancing years, relationships can continue to be "satisfying, supportive, and fulfilling."
"Marriages are less negative and more positive," she says. "Close relationships with siblings are renewed, and relationships with children are better than ever before. Even though older people interact with others less frequently than younger people do, old age is not a time of misery, rigidity, or melancholy."
Our natural drift toward a more solitary life could simply be due to biology, the fact that we age and mature, and growing intelligence.
A study performed on older monkeys showed that the creatures spent less time socializing because - according to the study's lead Julia Fischer - social interactions are likely more stressful, and the monkeys avoided such situations. Competition for food, space, and other conflicts arise, and the older, smarter monkeys steer clear of such discord.
The same is true for humans. The more intelligent we are, the more we are able to separate the bad from the good, the stressful from the reassuring. Common sense and heightened intelligence come naturally with experience.
“With self-reflection and increased wisdom comes the realization that we really should maximize the amount of good relationships we have," says Fischer, "and not spend so much time on the ones that aren’t good.”
We value the "little" moments in life more, because the pressures of younger years, i.e. having babies, raising a family, getting that perfect job, earning a living, etc. aren't as weighty. If we're settled, there is less need to compete or engage in conflict for anything we need. Social competition or strife drains our emotional resources and breaks down the foundations we have built throughout our lifetime.
The time and patience we've gained in our older years allows us to truly enjoy the social interactions we choose.
Spending time with grandchildren or relishing a kiss from your spouse can be just as enjoyable as working in the garden or taking a cruise. Savoring even the most casual of experiences, like a long walk in the woods, becomes the goal of intelligent people choosing happiness. We regulate our emotions to give priority to carefully-chosen social situations, partners, long-term friends and loved ones that provide positive emotional experiences, affirming who we are.
"Narrowing the range of social partners allows people to conserve physical and cognitive resources, freeing time and energy for selected social relationships," says Carstensen in her study.
That is great news, and a perfect reminder that we're not losing our minds, sequestering ourselves from greater society, or turning into feeble hermits. We're making our own deliberate choices regarding how we want to spend our everyday, and who we want to spend it with.
Of course, patterns change, friendships fade, loved ones are lost, retirement looms, and health problems begin to affect us: all the more reason we deserve to have fulfilling friendships (and activities) that sustain us and don't waste our time.
Age, however, isn't always the culprit for us wanting to spend more time alone.
A different study with subjects between the ages of 18 and 28 revealed a distinct link between social interaction and life satisfaction. Individuals with above-average intelligence who dwell in densely-populated areas - those who frequently socialized with friends - exhibited lower levels of happiness. Contrarily, people who live in less-populated areas seem to be happier in general.
What causes an intelligent person to shy away from social interaction?
The study of 18- to 28-year-olds purports that "smarter individuals are believed to be more adept at adapting to the challenges of modern life and are more inclined to break away from the group to pursue lives that are personally fulfilling." In other words, these people forge their own paths to find purpose in their lives, rejecting the need to belong or conform to society's norms, and being part of "the tribe": a group, social organizations, and joining the crowd in different social capacities.
Being more intelligent makes us capable of shaping our own future instead of relying on a group, so we are able find fulfillment outside the confines of social situations. Those of us with more "smarts" seek out smaller groups within which to interact. We crave depth, meaning and intellectual stimulation much more than participating in social situations on a superficial or shallow level.
Because of higher perception and anxiety levels in general, smarter humans tend to prefer their own company. They bypass the need for validation from others and choose to pursue their own goals and passions. This tends to keep them busier and less focused on needing need less meaningful social contact to make them happy.
Whether it be intelligence, age, maturity, or wisdom, take comfort in the fact that you don't have to always join in the "fun." You're allowed to go it alone.
Sources:
"Aging monkeys become more selective regarding their social circle," Science Daily, 6/23/2016.
"Highly Intelligent People Actually Prefer Their Own Company, And There’s A Pretty Interesting Reason Why," greenlivingtribe.com
"Motivation for social contact across the life span: a theory of socioemotional selectivity," L.L. Carstensen, pubmed.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov
"Why Friendship Changes As We Age," seniorplanet.org
Well said!